I am not a "religious" person but dealing with chronic pain I often think to myself that everyone has their crosses to bear and perhaps this is mine.
I have so much that is good in my life. Stuff that money cannot buy.
A great husband, really special kids who I have a unique relationship with, a good friendship with my ex husbands, parents I am fortunate to still have around; these are all the joys in my life that many do not know.
Then there are the struggles in life that no matter what, I get through but it is never easy.
Long-term unemployment and lack of finances because of that make me unable to live a life where I am not constantly concerned about my future.
Adding to the financial desperation is the chronic pain that I live with due to a work-related accident I suffered several years back. I held off for years before I relented and agreed to a minimally evasive procedure that unfortunately made me worse off pain-wise than I was before.
The game of workers compensation sucks. The insurance company doctors don't want to "cure" me, they have to go by the guidelines set up by the insurance company and they don't want to pay for anything. I cannot choose my doctors or my treatment. If I had my way I would go alternative.
So I play the game but wind up the loser. I have days that I can manage the pain and then I go into weeks where I literally cannot breathe from the intense pain I feel.
No one wants to help me.
My attorney is only concerned with how much money my injury is worth.
The insurance company wants to make it like this pain is all in my head.
Some days I cannot imagine growing older and still feeling this way. I don't want to live like this anymore.
If it wasn't for the relationships and love in my life I would end it. I am serious.
This is no way to live. My quality of life most days is misery. Accepting what I cannot do anymore (which is a lot) is tough. I still try some things and pay for it later.
My mind is too young to accept that my body is so damaged and pain-ridden.
I push the self-pity out of my mind and try to keep fighting. I am angry. I try not to let that anger keep me grounded in the past but sometimes it is hard. I am angry at myself for staying at the job that eventually caused me to have the accident that injured me.
My boss was an abusive scumbag. I stayed there long after I figured out how abusive he was to his employees. Because of this boss I started taking Xanax just to cope with his verbal and mental abuse. He prescribed it to me and many other employees. We joked that it was a job requirement.
Now, almost 7 years later, I "need" Xanax. Nice. I know that I face a painful withdrawal from this dangerous drug; I just don't have the time or strength right now to deal with it.
I don't want pity from anyone. I hate pity. Weak people are pitied. I am not weak.
I may be broken but my spirit is fighting back.
Somehow, someway, someday I will get my life back.
As I keep looking for how I will do that I remember that everyone has their crosses to bear.
Many of you who read this have your own. If you are honest with yourself you know that you do. Maybe my cross is not as heavy as yours or maybe it is.
Regardless, I will keep on keeping on. There is no other option.
If anything, my story will make a great book someday.