Crosses to Bear

I am not a "religious" person but dealing with chronic pain I often think to myself that everyone has their crosses to bear and perhaps this is mine.

I have so much that is good in my life. Stuff that money cannot buy.

A great husband, really special kids who I have a unique relationship with, a good friendship with my ex husbands, parents I am fortunate to still have around; these are all the joys in my life that many do not know.

Then there are the struggles in life that no matter what, I get through but it is never easy.

Long-term unemployment and lack of finances because of that make me unable to live a life where I am not constantly concerned about my future.

Adding to the financial desperation is the chronic pain that I live with due to a work-related accident I suffered several years back. I held off for years before I relented and agreed to a minimally evasive procedure that unfortunately made me worse off pain-wise than I was before.

The game of workers compensation sucks. The insurance company doctors don't want to "cure" me, they have to go by the guidelines set up by the insurance company and they don't want to pay for anything. I cannot choose my doctors or my treatment. If I had my way I would go alternative.

So I play the game but wind up the loser. I have days that I can manage the pain and then I go into weeks where I literally cannot breathe from the intense pain I feel.

No one wants to help me.

My attorney is only concerned with how much money my injury is worth.
The insurance company wants to make it like this pain is all in my head.
Some days I cannot imagine growing older and still feeling this way. I don't want to live like this anymore.

If it wasn't for the relationships and love in my life I would end it. I am serious.

This is no way to live. My quality of life most days is misery. Accepting what I cannot do anymore (which is a lot) is tough. I still try some things and pay for it later.

My mind is too young to accept that my body is so damaged and pain-ridden.

I push the self-pity out of my mind and try to keep fighting. I am angry. I try not to let that anger keep me grounded in the past but sometimes it is hard. I am angry at myself for staying at the job that eventually caused me to have the accident that injured me.

My boss was an abusive scumbag. I stayed there long after I figured out how abusive he was to his employees. Because of this boss I started taking Xanax just to cope with his verbal and mental abuse. He prescribed it to me and many other employees. We joked that it was a job requirement.

Now, almost 7 years later, I "need" Xanax. Nice. I know that I face a painful withdrawal from this dangerous drug; I just don't have the time or strength right now to deal with it.

I don't want pity from anyone. I hate pity. Weak people are pitied. I am not weak.

I may be broken but my spirit is fighting back.

Somehow, someway, someday I will get my life back.

As I keep looking for how I will do that I remember that everyone has their crosses to bear.

Many of you who read this have your own. If you are honest with yourself you know that you do. Maybe my cross is not as heavy as yours or maybe it is.

Regardless, I will keep on keeping on. There is no other option.

If anything, my story will make a great book someday.

Looking for the Silver Lining

2010 was a really rough year for me. My husband and I spent so much time in medical facilities, be it the emergency room, same-day surgery or doctor's offices that the security guard at our local hospital got to recognize us.

I was always someone who was blessed with decent health but early on in the year, that was tested. From a breast cancer scare (which although I had two doctors tell me I probably had inflammatory breast cancer-they were wrong) which necessitated a lumpectomy to a few weeks (yes weeks) later I needed to have my gallbladder removed, I was put through some major health crisis's.

Through it all I knew I would be okay and although financially it hurt me, there was no other option. Not having the gallbladder removed would have killed me. Just because I was uninsured and had no job or income doesn't mean that I should have died.

It sickens me that people who are uninsured often do die because they cannot afford healthcare. There is something majorly wrong with this. 

As I wrote in a very personal story, Between a Rock and a Hard Place , having to choose between fighting for your life or not because you lack finances is a horrible place to be.

The job search is discouraging. Having physical limitations makes it harder as does having transportation issues. I was willing to walk to a job, if need be. I didn't care about earning less money. When you are not earning anything, something is nice.

The last few months I have been busting my butt trying to earn money as a web content writer. Although I read where others are earning hefty amounts of money, what I earn barely pays a utility bill. It is something and for that I am grateful. I need so much more. 

Dealing with the frustrations, financial struggles and stress is tough. I have good days and bad days. I have days where there is hope and others that all hope is gone.

I know there are people worse off than I am. Sorry but it doesn't comfort me. It just makes it more challenging to compete. 

I want those who are employed to try and imagine what it is like to walk in my shoes. I want people to "get" that I am not looking for a handout, just a chance to enter the work world again. I want some compassion for the struggle and understanding that sometimes life throws you many curve balls and you didn't ask to be in the line of fire- you just are.

Mondays

Monday mornings. Those two words can bring a variety of emotions. To the long-term unemployed like me, it just means yet another Monday morning that I do not have a job to go to. It is days before Christmas so I very much doubt that any of the resumes or applications I have sent out are going to make a difference right now.
Seriously, not many employers are looking to hire anyone right before the holidays.
I accept that. Not much that I can do.
So as I sit here and wait for the holidays to come and be gone, I just try to hang on.
My unemployment ran out...no extensions left for me. Less one income when you are used to two is a lesson in how to live on even less.
Trying to have "faith" that "things" will get better is getting tougher.
I have bills to pay with little money to pay them. Christmas in my house will not be as plentiful as in years past.
That's okay...tons of gifts is not what Christmas is about.
This morning my car broke down. I have an idea what it is...not an easy fix for a DIY repair. Way too costly for me to take it somewhere. So now what?
I am fresh out of answers.
I am also fresh out of hope.
I know that I am not alone in my struggles. There are families that are worse off. I am grateful for having a roof over my head and food to feed my family.
I am grateful that my husband has a job.
I am thankful for my family and good friends who continue to encourage me and listen to me vent.
I just want someone to tell me when it is going to get easier.
I just want to know when I can stop getting hit with all these "challenges".
I, like many people have had enough.