Chaos

Today has been a test of my patience and ability to roll along with whatever. I think I am failing miserably.

I have written before about my crazy home. My husband is working two jobs because my self-employment efforts have not yet taken off (that is putting it positively). His day job is at a Halloween costume warehouse and this is their busy season.

So he is now working an extended shift in addition to his third shift job. He has little time to sleep so when he does, I do my best to provide him with all he needs.

Meanwhile, our cat Ava is still having trouble letting her 6 week old kittens grow up. She cried this morning for no apparent reason; the kittens were sleeping but she wanted them to wake up. All this while my husband tried to sleep. He only had about 3 hours to do this.

I was so frustrated and I decided that although we were going to keep these kittens around for 2 more weeks, I am contacting their new humans to arrange their move earlier.

I have tried in vain to find employment so my husband can end this craziness. With a back condition that has limited me in what job I can do, my age and my gap in employment, it is hard to keep believing that the "right" job will come along.

I decided that I am going to lie about my age from now on. I filled out an application the other day for seasonal help at Target. My son had done the same and got called the same day. There was a section in the questionnaire that asked if you were between the ages of 18 and 40. Well I said no. I am 49. Even though I appeared to be flexible with not only the hours I would work and the money I would accept, my phone is not ringing with any offers.

You would think an employer would want to hire a 49 year old woman. I am not going to leave because of pregnancy. I am done having babies. I have years of experience and I can be counted on to show up for work. I don't party so I won't come in hungover. I take whatever job I get seriously; maybe that is the problem.

When I goof off from my writing and other projects during the day it never ceases to amaze me how many of my Facebook friends who are earning a paycheck have time for updating their status or playing Farmville. At my last job I barely had time to pee or eat lunch.

My last job ended when the business shut down. I was always there and never took lunch. If I ate it was at the counter in between answering the phone, dealing with customers and running the shop.

So because I am unable to secure a steady income, my 51 year old workhorse of a husband is aging quickly. I want to cry when I see how much weight he has lost and how that tired look never seems to leave his eyes. He supports me 100% and never ever complains that I cannot find work.

He knows because of the back injury I suffered that I am in constant pain and knows this limits the kind of work I can do.

Because my injury was work-related, disability is a non-issue. Thanks to all who scammed the system, people like me with genuine injuries get screwed. I had surgery last year which increased my pain and as we head into fall I fear the cold weather.

Last winter was a nightmare. My pain intensified and I was housebound.

I try and look at the positive whenever I can. I try to believe that we will manage to get by. The problem is that I know my husband is not a machine and he cannot go on like this much longer. His second job involves driving and he already had a close call due to falling asleep behind the wheel.

Moving is not an option. I have 2 adult children in school (who also work) and a teenager. We are cramped as it is in this house but I am blessed with a great landlady who has kept my rent at a reasonable amount. I have cut corners wherever I can. Raising 5 kids taught me how to stretch a dollar and I continue to do my best.

Sometimes I feel like my life is passing me by. It seems to all be about keeping our heads above water. I get tired of the struggle.

I know that there are so many others who are in worse shape. This is my life and all I want is to be able to live it better than I am now.

I don't do "if only" and I try and look forward. It is the here and now that gets me sometimes. Life is a gift and the present sometimes feels like a boobie prize. I guess I need to get more creative and figure out how to make the best of it.