Deja Vous

I'm trying really hard today to find humor in what my life has come to be.

Being home 24/7 with 4 cats (how did this happen??), 2 of them being just 6 months old, reminds me of my days as a single mom of two toddlers.

There were days that I longed for conversation with an adult and certainly a break from feeling like all I could do is change diapers and clean the house.

Since losing my only means of transportation, I am stranded in my house. There are not many places to walk to and honestly, I cannot spend the whole day walking around anyway.

My two kittens have made me feel like I am reliving the past. It is funny how their behavior mimicks a human toddler's even down to not being able to use the bathroom alone. One of them is usually sitting outside crying for me.

From feeling like all I do is scoop the litter box to hearing a crash and wondering what it is they got into now, my life has become somewhat comical.

Long-term unemployment has caused me to lose a piece of my mind but losing my wheels has made me nuttier.

With the unemployment comes a lack of funds and that brings tons of stress. Holding onto hope just doesn't feel like I am doing anything to get out of this spot.

Most days I feel like I am sinking deeper and with every door that closes I frantically search for an open one.

I am running out of doors and losing my imagination to create one.

The stress of these four walls, the feeling overwhelmed by everything really has me feeling low.

A friend suggested that I might need an anti-depressant. I refuse to do that.

What I need is a paycheck. What I need is a purpose besides being the one to cook, clean, and be here to meet everyone elses' needs.

I have battled depression and anxiety most of my life. I continue to fight but some days I put up the white flag because I just don't have it in me.

One of the kittens will usually do something stupid and make me laugh. I think to myself that there is still hope for me after all because I can still laugh at stuff.

Another Monday, another day that I wonder how long I can continue to look for doors. Maybe tomorrow I will find the door that will lead me out of this "life" that I am struggling with.

Maybe...