Battling the Anxiety Beast

Recently I applied for a job (any job) in a new liquor store that is opening nearby. Desperation has me applying to anything just to be able to count on some kind of steady income.

In yesterday's mail there was a small envelope with my name on it. Upon opening it, it contained a small greeting-type card that said "Thank You for Applying". Knowing what it said inside without even opening it, I still fought with the negative voices in my head and thought that maybe, just maybe it said they wanted to interview me.

Sometimes the negative voices are your reality.

Inside the pre-printed text explained that I did not possess the qualities they were looking for but they would keep my application on file for a year. No need to reapply during that time.

Yea. I have heard that before.

My instant knee-jerk reaction was to feel like a complete loser. I quickly got rid of those negative thoughts because I know that it is not true.

This has been a productive week for me so far. I began the week by striving to make every minute productive by either working on my online stores, writing or keeping up with my house. No small feat. Every single night I have fallen asleep on the couch (my home office base) and dragged myself into bed when my husband gets up for his second job around 1 a.m.

Sleep is overrated.

I felt strong on Monday. My hope was unstoppable.

As the week went on, that awful anxiety beast tried to work its' way into my thoughts. Self-doubt and worry began to creep into my thoughts and I fought back by keeping focused on my goal.

It works for a while but eventually it can swallow me hole.

Rejection greeting cards don't help. It was bad enough to receive automatically generated rejection emails after applying for jobs online.

Now I am getting cards in the mail? UGH.

I know I am not the only one but that doesn't help.

As Friday nears the anxiety beast is trying to grow stronger. I continue to focus on the light. It is getting tougher. My hard work is not paying off (yet) and sometimes I doubt that it will. It just has to.

My failure is not an option.

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