Life Goes On
Grieving is a process with no rules. The only thing I am sure of is that life goes on while you are stuck in the darkness of it.
I always hated how people seemed to "count down" how long it has been since their loved one passed. I just didn't get it. I judged them for holding onto their grief not realizing that they weren't holding on at all- they were prisoners of their loss.
I am a prisoner also. It's been two months (which isn't a long time at all- I KNOW that!) and although I am a prisoner of grief I can feel myself making progress.
This chart is helpful because it gives you an idea of what to expect but what it doesn't say is how on any given day/moment, you might experience any combination of those feelings. Where am I today?
I woke up this morning and before I even had my coffee I found myself in tears. Maybe it is because it's been two months and those memories of my dad's final days haunt me. No matter what I do I can't seem to get past them.
I have had my days where I have been able to say "my dad died" without tearing up. I do know that he is feeling the love on the other side and I know that he is with us. It's just different now.
It all just seems so unfinished. I beg sometimes for answers and assurance from him that it is okay.
All I can think about is how I wanted to help him but I was powerless to do so. Part of me feels like he just wanted to go home and I couldn't make that happen for him. He hated being in the hospital and even if a teeny tiny part of him knew he wasn't coming home again, he didn't share that with me.
Last night I found myself home alone. My dad was on my mind (it's rare when he is not) so I decided to meditate and even did some mirror gazing. I think I just was feeling desperate for answers. At that moment I think my emotions were running way too high and although I was open, nothing was going to get "through" at that time.
I have felt his presence and even have gotten "without a doubt" signs. I have even "seen" him which means so much to me. I don't care how crazy people think I am. I believe and I know he did too.
Last week while my husband and I were painting his old room my dad was there. We were silent as we were both focused on painted a dresser. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a man and at first, just thought it was my husband. In my mind I said "wait- Joe doesn't wear glasses" and I realized it was my dad standing watch, supervising the project just as he had done so many times before.
As I moved my head to look directly at him, it faded although I know he still was there. I told my husband that dad was next to him watching us paint and probably wanting to correct us. We both laughed remembering how tough it was to do projects with my dad's watchful presence.
I think we both felt comforted by knowing that he was there but also sad that we couldn't have more than that.
It is different now and maybe someday there will be more comfort in knowing he is still around. Right now it feels like there is so much I want to say to him and even though he was a man of few words, I miss hearing those few words.
It's funny but not too long ago out of nowhere suddenly the thought came to me that there are no "do-overs". I know this was a without a doubt sign/message. Accepting that fact is tough.
It's not like I am burdened by constant feelings of regret or even guilt because I am not. It is normal to wish for just one more moment after someone you love dies. Yes there are things I regret not doing but it wouldn't have changed a thing.