Grief is strange. One moment you think you have it under control and then out of nowhere you are hit with the overwhelming urge to collapse and give in to the tears.
I've been on this roller coaster of emotions for a few months now and the only thing I know for sure is that the world goes on in spite of my grief. I feel like I just want to keep to myself and get through this month without having to fake false excitement over a holiday that I pretty much haven't celebrated in years. I am not depressed; I'm grieving and much of the people I come into contact with don't seem to understand the process.
We all will face dealing with the loss of someone we love but unless it is fresh to you, you seem to forget how it feels. Yes, grief does end but you are forever changed from it. I look at the change that has happened to me as a gift. There is light in the midst of all this darkness.
Even though I have learned lessons from my dad's passing I still have the sadness. It is going to take time and unfortunately for my family, the timing of his passing has us dealing with these firsts when the loss is still relatively fresh.
I know we are not the only ones who are missing a loved one right now. My advice to anyone is to allow yourself to feel the sadness. Unless you stop and feel all the emotions you cannot get through them. It's hard to face your day-to-day adult responsibilities when the world goes on in spite of your grief. I've gotten to the place where I don't care if it seems like people don't understand or even if they seem to pity me. Someday they will be where I am at right now.
Everyone grieves differently and handles their emotions differently. Find what works for you. Grief can be exhausting and at this time I need to listen to my own needs and act upon them. I am determined to move forward with my life after my dad's passing honoring him by living up to my potential. It is what he would have wanted.
There is so much that I wish I would have known about my dad and because of this I am going to reach out to his relatives who have knew him before I was even a thought.
I remember Christmas' past and can smile and feel happy about many of those memories. Looking through old photos and home movies is bittersweet but also helpful in accepting that my dad's time here was up. He had a good life overall.
I do miss him but I cannot get caught up in that. My dad was my first teacher and the lessons he tried to teach me did sink in. Those lessons helped to mold who I am and because of that, he lives on through me. I will never forget the influence he had on me and I am determined to not let him down. His life meant something and for me to collapse and wallow in sadness isn't honoring his life. Life goes on and I need to move forward. There are moments where I succumb to the sadness but I cry and get it out. This is a process and it doesn't matter how long it takes. Nothing lasts forever except for love. Love never dies.