Life's too short to sweat the small stuff. It's also too short to deal with unnecessary bullshit. Plain and simple.
Since my dad passed just about three months ago, I have been riding this roller coaster of emotions called grief. I was blessed that up until a few weeks ago I was self-employed and unlike my family members I was able to fully feel all of my emotions because I didn't have to leave my house.
Life doesn't stand still for those who are grieving and I felt that my family was courageous to be able to go out into the world and do responsible adult-like things. I managed to scrape by on my meager self-employment earnings but there were days when the grieving process overwhelmed me.
It was during this time that I was able to do a whole lot of soul-searching in between my bouts of uncontrollable crying and I came to a lot of conclusions. I had to accept many things that happened that I couldn't change and most of all I had to realize that my dad's passing brought me blessings.
Yes, in the midst of all the darkness there was light once I was ready to see it. I feel at peace (finally) with myself, for the most part. The grieving process is far from over but I am starting to see that it has brought about changes in me that will stay with me for the rest of my time here.
I feel enlightened and I long for the day when my other family members feel it too.
Life changes after you lose someone you love and although I have lost people before it was different this time around. I never felt the heartache the way I did when my dad passed. Maybe he is the first person who I loved deeply enough to feel the tremendous loss. I don't know why exactly but my soul tells me that everything is okay now.
I've gone into myself and searched for answers. I've remembered things that I've always known but buried inside me. I truly see that love is all that matters and although my feelings about my dad were complicated at times, I know that deep down I always loved him.
They say that all you have left is memories and it is those memories that have helped me accept his passing. My dad was a complicated man because he was a functioning alcoholic. Growing up with him wasn't easy at times but when I think back about what kind of father he was I suddenly don't have that much to complain about. He really was all about his family. He had personal demons that sometimes got in the way but at the end of the day, he did his best.
I spent far too many years judging him by his disease but shortly after he passed it dawned on me that his drinking didn't matter. I could see who he was and I no longer felt the need to focus on the ugliness of his disease. I saw a man who was fiercely loyal to his children even though he was quiet about it a times. When the chips were down he was there for us and that really is all that matters.
He had an insatiable thirst for knowledge and although he was a man of few words, when he spoke it did have meaning. He had a quiet wisdom about him and the funny thing is that I feel that his advice will still come to me when I need it. Yes I believe he is guiding me from the other side and I feel very strongly that he is almost closer to me now than he was the last few years of his life.
Since losing my dad I find myself sweating the small stuff so much less and being more grateful for all the "little" things I didn't notice much before.
Growing up my dad exposed me to many different ideas through the vast library he kept. These books helped mold my ideas and beliefs and we talked many times about those beliefs. I realized just how strong his beliefs were when I stopped and looked back and remembered different events in his life. Even though his passing was sudden and unexpected (for the most) I believe that he was at peace with it. He was tired and had things in the past been different, yes, he might still be here but I believe the freedom he has now doesn't make him regret leaving one bit. He is free now. Free of the body that was failing and free to move on to his next adventure.
I believe that we will meet again because our souls are meant to meet again. I want to be able to thank him for all he did for me that I didn't realize until after he passed. I have thanked him but I want to have a conversation with him and I know that will happen one day.
In the meantime I am trying to make him proud by living the best life possible. He always expected his children to strive to be the best and for a time I failed him and myself. His passing made me see that I need to turn my life around and I have. I am following through on that theme by daily gratitude checks and a new mission to not allow negativity to consume my life. I say what I need to say and I try not to put off anything. Life's too short.