Fear, Struggle and Not Accepting Failure

I've written before about my struggles with finding the "right" job. I'd love to be able to announce my success but it hasn't happened yet.

Recently I had a revelation about why it is that I have struggled in my search. I've just been way too hard on myself.

I have spent my entire adult life being a mom. Since my first pregnancy as a teenager, my main focus has been my child.

I sacrificed myself because at the time I thought I was doing the right thing.

How wrong I was.

At 40 years old I entered the full-time work force. Clueless, uneducated and desperate to support myself, I found myself job hopping constantly striving for more money, a better opportunity and a new adventure.

Fast-forward ten years later and my age, my lack of marketable skills and a changed economy has made my latest search tougher than ever.

Still somewhere deep inside I believe that the job of my dreams is out there.

Okay, I am a bit delusional. You have to have hope though!

You also need a plan and for too long I haven't had a concrete one. I know what I don't want but I haven't spent enough time on focusing on what I do want.

I think back to what job i really enjoyed. The first "real" full time job I ever had was working for a psychologist who had a home-based, e-commerce business. I loved working with Ken. He was kind of crazy but super intelligent and we quickly developed a close work relationship.

The only problem with the job was the product we were selling. I was told that it was a dietary supplement that had the potential to help many people with many different medical conditions. What I later found out was that it was liquid GHB.

GHB, the "date rape" drug is a chemical that is natural to every body. As we age we produce less and taking the supplement could have many fantastic benefits as I found out. It burned fat, produced muscle, and overall made you feel really good.

My job was to take phone orders, process them and help to ship them out. At the height of it all, we were clearing thousands of dollars a week which was a nice amount of money for work that didn't feel like work.

I built relationships with our customers; some were rich and famous. The truth is that this stuff was addicting and once you got a taste you didn't want to live without it.

There was danger in GHB. You could overdose if you were irresponsible with your dosage. You could potentially develop tumors from overuse of it. Withdrawal wasn't pretty and many people that I dealt with did have great difficulty stopping use.

The ride was fun but soon the FDA got involved and state by state, selling Renewtruent (our product) became illegal. We pushed it to the last possible moment and finally we decided that it wasn't worth the risk of jail time so the business folded.

I loved the freedom of that job. Working in a home office was relaxing and stress-free. With only one other employee, there was none of the bullshit that you often find in an office setting. Dress was casual, another plus for me.

I also was free to create my work schedule around caring for my child. Although I had my preschooler in daycare, I was free to bring her to work when needed or take off when she needed me. Old habits die hard and I wanted/needed to be there for my child.

Good things don't last forever and when the business folded I found myself in a regular office in a regular dull role. My boss recognized that I was "too good" to just be a receptionist and when I decided to quit and move on, he supported my choice.

The good thing about that job was that I met my current husband there. There is a reason for everything.

I am a free spirit and although it is a challenge to find where I fit in, I will find it. I refuse to believe that I am doomed to settle.

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