One week ago I had major surgery. Healing from the trauma my body went through is a frustrating process.
Always being on the go it is really tough to slow down and let my body heal.
The timing of this could not have been better. Two days before my scheduled surgery my husband's car broke down. Finding a tow truck during a rainstorm on Christmas Eve was a challenge but we managed to get through it.
As if I didn't have enough going on I had to keep reminding myself that everything was going to work out.
When my doctor decided that the best course of treatment for me was a total hysterectomy I was fully in agreement. I get annoyed by being sidelined by a medical issue that was not going to go away.
What struck me was my husband's delayed reaction to the reality of my hysterectomy. He actually seemed to mourn the loss of my reproductive organs.
Of course at our ages (52 & 53), the likelihood of us becoming parents was slim to none but in his mind it was a reminder of what never was.
At 41 I became pregnant and after a tumultuous 20 weeks, the baby I was carrying died inside me. My body went into a shock and the doctors needed to induce labor.
My husband made sure that I was taken care of, instructing the doctors to fill me with enough pain meds so I wouldn't feel anything.
It was a devastating time and it took a long time to get over.
I don't think that I ever really "got over" it. I just learned how to accept it.
Having the hysterectomy meant that finally I would get some relief from the pain and affects of fibroids that were attacking my body. Losing the ability to have another child was not something that bothered me. Although I accepted the loss of our child my hands are full with my teenager and starting over again just isn't an option.
I've read that many women have mixed emotions about going through surgical menopause. I guess it all depends upon your attitude.
I don't mourn the loss of my reproductive organs. They were very good to me. I was blessed with 5 great kids and yes, the loss of my last child will always be with me. It just was not meant to be and I can accept that now.
I look at our life the last 10+ years and I cannot imagine how we would have done it with another child. Life has been a struggle at times and although it hurts, the loss was for the best.
I look forward now to my future. A future that does not include dealing with a medical condition that interrupted my life.
Healing is slow going but it has given me lots of time to reflect. One chapter might be over but I don't feel sad for it's ending.
There is so much to look forward to. I have so much more I want to do. Once I am healed I can move forward with the plans we have made.
There's no time and no need to cry about what is over. There is a time and a season for everything and a new season is beginning.
I look forward to grabbing it and enjoying it all.