Thirty Years Later...

Thirty years ago today, my life changed forever.

The change started several months before when I found out that I was pregnant. Unwed and less than a year out of high school, I felt shocked and scared at the prospect of becoming a mother.

I was in denial the first several weeks of my pregnancy and only shared the "truth" with a few select people. My parents were probably the last to know. It wasn't that hard for me to hide my pregnancy from them.

I was going to beauty school and working a full-time job. The baby's father knew of the pregnancy but for reasons unknown to me at the time, we suddenly lost contact.

I just assumed that he was not up for the responsibility. I wasn't going to force him into anything so I just decided I would go at it alone. It wasn't until nearly 17 years later that I found out the truth. His parents were concerned about his drug use and he had gone to rehab. I had no clue.

Meanwhile, I worked, went to school and was amazed at the guys who offered to help me through the pregnancy. While working a second shift job in a grocery warehouse cafeteria I met my future husband.

He knew I was pregnant and before I knew it, we were seeing each other. Next thing I knew, we were getting married and several weeks later, Jackie was born.

I adored his big Italian family who took me in as their own and I felt at home. I loved his mom so much that I agreed to name my daughter after her.

I think I pretty much knew that our marriage was not going to work but I gave it a shot anyway. All I ever wanted was to do right by my daughter. She deserved to have family that treasured her.

Fast forward two years later and my marriage failed. Being a single mom of now two daughters was difficult but thanks to my family we managed.

Soon I met husband #2 who insisted upon adopting both my daughters. I finally felt like they would have it all.

This lasted for most of their growing up years and in addition they were blessed with three more siblings. During this time my daughter met her biological father, reconnected with my first husband and his family and got to know her aunts, cousins and grandparents that never knew she existed. She also met her half-brothers. It was quite a lot for a teenager but this was her family too. She needed to meet them.

After almost 13 years, my 2nd marriage ended.

The good news is that along the way I have managed to be friendly with all my daughter's fathers and their families. I love them all because they are special people. I remarried four years ago and although it may sound like an episode of All My Children, it is all good.

Raising Jackie was not always easy maybe because at times it seemed we were growing up together. I would like to believe that I did the best that I could. She took dance lessons and competed in competitions. She did well in school, played on the high school soccer team and ran track. She was a popular girl who had lots of friends.

As a young adult she was diagnosed as bipolar. At first the news was heartbreaking but once I did the research I became confident that she will be able to live a good life in spite of bipolar disorder. She, like everyone, is a work in progress.

Sure, her upbringing was worthy of being a soap opera (and still continues to be) but I always tried to be honest with her. Her biological dad and I were young. He connected with her when she was a teen and they have been working on and off on their relationship.

It does get complicated for her at times to balance all the feelings for all the men who have been fathers to her but she knows that she is cared for by many people. She has had some really incredible men take on the responsibility of being her father. I do not want to downplay the role that the man who adopted her played in her life. He has really hung in there and been there for her through rough times.

I do wonder sometimes what if things had been different but there really is no sense in doing that. I cannot change the past. We were blessed with every "father" that came into my daughter's life.

Jackie has a very large extended family but I see it as she just has all the more people to love her. Love is never a bad thing.

Thirty years later and I never imagined where I would be today or where the road would take us.

It has been quite a journey and I look forward to see what is next. You never know.

The Other Side

Readers of this blog who do not know me may assume that I am not sympathetic to fathers in a custody dispute. NEVER ASSUME. I don't believe that just because you give birth to a child makes you a mom; it takes so much more. Just as because you can "father" a child doesn't make you a dad. Custody cases often get ugly and it is horrible that parents forget who is really getting hurt- the children involved in the dispute.

I believe in the best interests of the children first and foremost. This should be about what is best for them. I still don't believe that taking the children away from either parent is best. Whenever possible, personal issues should be put aside for the sake of the children. Divorce sucks for kids-plain and simple. But the case I have been blogging about isn't 100% about how a divorce is tearing apart a family. This case is making news and getting attention because of cancer being used against a mother.

If there are other "reasons" why this mother should not have custody, why is her cancer such a factor in the ruling? What kind of judge would make a mother's not knowing how long she has to live a factor in whether or not she should be a part of her childrens lives?

I cannot get past that. Anyone of us could die unexpectedly. Some of us put ourselves at higher risks by our lifestyles. Obesity is responsible for people developing heart disease which can shorten your life. Should fat mothers not have custody? Or fat fathers?

As far as a few comments that I say that I have not gotten the "other" side of the story...well...if the father would like to do an interview with me - let's do it. I would be happy to tell your side of the story. Please explain to me why you see fit to remove your children from their mother. Yes, I am aware that a judge awarded you custody but who initiated it? Why do you not have any sympathy for her cancer diagnosis? She is the mother of your children- certainly you loved her at one time. How can you look into your children's eyes and not see a part of Alaina? How will you explain to your children why you are taking them away from their mother?

I have not seen any public bashing by the mother about the father. I have not publicly bashed the father. I have not even named him. I have not named the children in this blog. Alaina Giordano has a Facebook page and a blog in her defense of the situation. The only reason that I have named her is because her name is already "out there".

Judges are human and make errors. I have personally seen it happen. Sometimes a defendant is "out-lawyered". The system is not always fair. The system is flawed. Children suffer from it. Parents suffer from it.

Why did I jump on this "bandwagon"? Because I felt that this judge needs to be taken to task for an obvious injustice. I cannot believe that because Alaina Giordano does not know when she is going to die she lost custody of her children. Does any parent know?


I welcome comments from readers just please show respect by not name-calling or using the names of anyone in this story. I am now monitoring all comments before they are published because of the sensitive nature of this topic. Thank-you!

Update to Unjust Justice

The other day I was moved to make a post about a woman I had read about on Facebook. Unjust Justice was the title of my post.

As someone who has been a web content/freelance writer for a few years now, I like to use my writing as a tool to inform others of things I think they would find of interest. When I get angered by something I feel is wrong, I share it and I am certainly open to other points of view.

As a mom myself and a sister of someone who survived cancer, I am sensitive Alaina Giordano's plight. I didn't just jump in and believe everything I have read, I actually spoke to Alaina.

I just now read through the comments left on my previous post and yes, there always are two sides to a story. Especially when it comes to divorce and child custody, people take sides.

What is important here are the children. No matter what- children need their mother. Breast cancer or no breast cancer, Alaina is their mother. They need her. To take these children away from their mother is just cruel. A man has to hate a woman (and his children) a lot to do this.

Why does divorce and child custody have to get ugly? These children deserve better than to be pawns. They certainly have been through enough having to deal with their mom's illness. Divorce is hard on children. The prospect of being moved away from what is familiar to them is anxiety-producing. Children can suffer lifelong damage from an insensitive act like being taken away from their home and their mother.

I have spoken to Alaina. I believe that Alaina has the best interests of her children at heart. She does not want to keep her children from their father. There has to be a better solution than taking these children from her.

A local news station wants to hear Alaina's story. I hope it does some good to help this situation get resolved in a way that is best for the children. An injustice has been done. Children need their mother.

being divorced and holidays

The hard part of divorce comes during the holidays. In many cases, parents take turns and when it's his turn you spend the holiday missing your kids. It sucks. Plain and simple. If you have an arrangement where you split the day, it gets tiring trying to make the most of your time with your child. Between wanting to visit relatives and the holiday festivities, it can be stressful.

For all you divorced parents, below is a link to my newest article on how to find success as a parent after divorce. It isn't easy, it won't happen overnight but I promise if you try, you may find some of my advice will help. Remember your children are the victims of their parents divorce. No matter whose "fault" the divorce was, they were 100% innocent.

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2C1LnT/www.helium.com/items/1791952-successful-parenting-after-divorce

Try to have a happy Easter!!!!